Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
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Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Auto correct is my worst enema.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.