GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
You Might Also Like
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
🤣🤣🤣
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
12653.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.