Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
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i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.