GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
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Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.