Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
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Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Life hack
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is