genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
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HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears
They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Woke up against my better judgement again
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
me: i am 50% garlic bread
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
*eats only grass-fed donuts
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab