Genius idea!!
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me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.