@thereverendcink If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
@MoistPork Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
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@thereverendcink 
@flashember [Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
@EricaWhoToYou “Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
@PhilLaysheO I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
@meganamram I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
@SteveSuckington Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
@bencoffeehall Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
@zachcozad1 Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
@CamInksaton Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
@N_Doemostmuted I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything