Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.

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If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.


[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]

ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath

JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back

R: we’re turtles, Juliet


“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.


I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.


I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though


Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.


Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus


Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.


I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything