@MoistPork

Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.

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@thereverendcink

If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.

@flashember

[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]

ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath

JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back

R: we’re turtles, Juliet

@EricaWhoToYou

“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.

@PhilLaysheO

I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.

@meganamram

I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though

@SteveSuckington

Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

@zachcozad1

Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus

@CamInksaton

Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.

@N_Doemostmuted

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything