Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
You Might Also Like
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Every haunted house movie:
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !