Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
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If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out