Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room

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I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum


BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*

ME: perfect, thanks

BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*

VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great


Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.


my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min


13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.


*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!


[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”

Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”


Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!

Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.