@Trisarahjtops

Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room

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@SlimWyldNReklez

I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum

@HansGrubertron

BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*

ME: perfect, thanks

BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*

VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great

@TicklesMubbut

Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.

@seamussaid

my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min

@sarcasticmommy4

13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.

@Marlebean

*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!

@Fred_Delicious

[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”

Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”

@Marlebean

Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!

Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.