gentlemen, hear me out
You Might Also Like
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them