“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
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Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
What kind of a cult is this?
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
True