@fro_vo

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

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@NewDadNotes

Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.

Me: Lord of the Rings.

Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.

Me: then why does it have elves?

Wife:

Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.

@Contwixt

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

@MomOnFire

If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.

@HomeProbably

The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.

Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.

@beefman138

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

@dafloydsta

FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN

@TylerLinkin

1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever

@

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

@batkaren

MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.