Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
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I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.