@fro_vo
@NewDadNotes Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
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@NewDadNotes 
@Contwixt I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
@MomOnFire If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
@HomeProbably The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
@eggabaga yes… yes…
@beefman138 You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
@dafloydsta FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
@TylerLinkin 1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
@batkaren MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.