*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
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if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!