*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
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[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
それは草
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]