Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
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[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween