*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
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My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?