[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
You Might Also Like
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Body by Oreos
Cats are still liquid.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.