[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
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[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
A friend sent me this.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
I drew y’all a little something.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket