geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
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How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.