George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
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If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Spring cleaning checklist…
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Not today