George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
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[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”