george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
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It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People