George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
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[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.