GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
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I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.