@Seinfeld2000

GERG: She licked ur donut?

JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!

GERG: gross!

JERY: she also said she “hates america”

GERG: Donut licking traitor!

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@duumb

me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money

@iinkedZombie

Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.

@Cheetoe4

My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….

@hunbothered

The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.

@Kraz60

Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.

He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?

@Fulkery1

I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.

@NeilHamburger

Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?

@dan_rambles_on

“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”

*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.

@ericsshadow

[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight

[11:00pm] yay i did it!

[11:01pm] *preheats oven*