@duumb me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
@Seinfeld2000 GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
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@duumb 
@iinkedZombie Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
@Cheetoe4 My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
@hunbothered The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
@Kraz60 Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
@Fulkery1 I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
@NeilHamburger Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
@shanethevein What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
@dan_rambles_on “What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
@ericsshadow [6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*