GERG: She licked ur donut?


GERG: gross!

JERY: she also said she “hates america”

GERG: Donut licking traitor!

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me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money


Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.


My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….


The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.


Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.

He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?


I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.


Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?


“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”

*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.


[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight

[11:00pm] yay i did it!

[11:01pm] *preheats oven*