GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash

JERY: crypto?

GERGE: crypto

JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!

GERG: I did! but then it dipped again

JERY: it double dipped?


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I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.


When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.


[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]

[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]

8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored


a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her


It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive


No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.


Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party


“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.