German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
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When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
was Jim off killing horses or…
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
“you changed” bro i was 15
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Sounds like a bargain
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball