German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
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At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart