[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
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baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
*pronounces woah like Noah*
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”