Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
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“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
fired
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.