Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
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ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring