“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
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“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Batman v Dracula
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.