“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.