Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?