Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
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[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me: