@keithedwards

“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White

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@pleatedjeans

[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s

@psybermonkey

[Family game night]

Grandma: what are the rules?

Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head

@omically

make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.

@sofarrsogud

Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.

@fro_vo

Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner

@WilliamAder

Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.

@XplodingUnicorn

[driving]

Me: I don’t know where we are.

3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.

@themorris23

Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”

@UnFitz

The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.

Bartender: I see bread people.