“get his ass” is so hilarious. its like the modern version of “seize him”
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Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.