Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
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who wants to go expliring
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/