Get in loser, we’re going overthinking
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Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.