“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
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Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?