Get in, there’s no time to explain.
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Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.