Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
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me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
TODAY
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
It was worth a shot 😂
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”