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I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Somebody call the cops.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.