Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
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To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Not helping