Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
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I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Sheep
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.