@mattZillaaaa LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
@dom_selleck Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
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@mattZillaaaa 
@cravin4 Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
@chuuew HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
@TheAlexNevil You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
@Jake_Vig YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
@HomeProbably Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
@bridger_w Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
@ItsAndyRyan I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
@tarashoe gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
@PlopWaffle Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.