@dom_selleck

Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.

Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.

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@cravin4

Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.

I know this now.

@chuuew

HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?

@TheAlexNevil

You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.

@Jake_Vig

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.

******************

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR CAT: Me too.

@HomeProbably

Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.

@bridger_w

Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it

@ItsAndyRyan

I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.

@tarashoe

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

@PlopWaffle

Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.