Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
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I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.