Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE

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I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”


I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.


I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.


I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.


A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.


8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.

Me: you don’t say…

Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.