“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
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I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
I falcon love using swear birds
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
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I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese