“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
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me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
sleeping beauty
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.