Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
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But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
this is the greatest thing ever
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs