Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
You Might Also Like
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan