“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
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If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Pass gas, not judgment.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
“What?”
– Jude
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.