get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
You Might Also Like
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
yeah no that’s fair
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
This kid is a star!
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans